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Published By Gwenith Kikkawa on February 11th, 2015 in Circle Stories From The Heart
By Salomeh Ghaffari, CCSS Circle Member
“By what right?” was the question that kept repeating itself in my ears, after our January CCSS Collective ‘Hearts and Souls’ conference call.
The preparation journey of our call to, “Clear our soul pathways keeping the gateways of our hearts open and flowing”, kept repeating itself over and over like a mantra all night long as I fell into a dream.
I am in my homeland Tehran/Iran. I wander around in the old building of the university I am attending. I see chaos, bloody faces and bodies, people frantically running around looking for shelter and a safe place to hide; crying and screaming women and children. I am walking around and looking at all these events unfolding as if I am not truly there; as though I am watching it on a screen. “This is a memory from my past. Why am I seeing this now?” is the question I keep asking myself in my dream.
I awoke with a heavy heart and a ball of unspoken words in my throat.
I then recalled a recent healing experience with Grandmother World Drum, and the medicine She has brought to my life since. My connection with my husband and children has been strengthened. I have been able to share more deeply with my mother, giving her permission to use her own voice. The medicine of the drum has also healed aspects of my sister’s life.
I have witnessed miracles, stories of healing and clarity, great laughter and transformation in teaching my yoga classes since that experience. I have found my voice.
Her energy continues to flow through me and in my life.
As I reflected on how this powerful medicine has affected my life and the lives of those around me, I was no longer in present time, but in the past with my grandmothers and other women of my ancestry. We were in a beautiful space of rainbow light. I was weightless, liberated and at ease. I felt their presence and their guidance as they sent me off on a path of light. My spirit felt lifted. What unfolded afterwards was quite wild!
I found myself in the centre of a super highway of information, with massive movie screens at the end of each one. Information was coming to me from different places and times, at such a high speed that I almost could not keep up.
Being pulled in many directions, every bit of information was demanding my attention, and wanted to be remembered. It all wanted to connect and be heard. It all wanted to become light. It all wanted to be a reason and an answer to my questions.
I saw images from my whole life as a child, teenager, and young adult. Images of the war in Iran. The dream I had the night before appeared, as well as the vision of my grandmothers. I witnessed the healing I experienced in my yoga teacher training and how I connected with my father and grandmother’s spirits throughout that healing process, and memories of how I got to Canada.
Standing in the middle of the room, moving with the beat of my heart, I repeatedly shouted with excitement, tears flowing down my face, “YES. YES. This is it. It makes perfect sense. That is why I am doing what I’m doing!”
My voice got louder and louder as I shouted from the bottom of my heart, “Yes, I have the right to do this!”
“By what right?!” Asked again. I laughed out loud with my whole being as tears flowed down my face and my whole body shook.
“By every right in this world I am to do this; for me, my parents, my grandmothers, my daughters, my friends, my people and those for whom I will bring healing and light through my work!”
I was overwhelmed with memories of eight years of war and suffering that I, my family, and my people went through, that I had made myself believe was normal.
When people have asked me about those years and going through the war, I have talked about it as if it was normal.
I went about my daily life, as life went on. But there is nothing normal about war. Pretending it was ‘normal’ was my defense and protection from the suffering and trauma I experienced; shutting myself down from the suffering and violence I had witnessed around me.
There is nothing normal about leaving your home and town running away from bombing and missile attacks. There is nothing normal about waking up in the middle of the night with the sound of an air raid siren, and anti-aircraft missiles, to run for shelter, waiting for the sound of a bomb and explosion and when and where the next one will hit.
I did not know as a child and teenager how to make sense of any of it. I could not let it cripple me and my life. I chose not to think about it and buried it, and with it perhaps a part of my soul.
I don’t live with that trauma on a daily basis. I don’t have flashbacks or nightmares. But that morning, those memories of the suffering, trauma, tears, screams, bloody faces and bodies in my dream from the night before were demanding my full attention and wanted to be heard; just as the grieving mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, and women of my land, wanted to be heard and healed.
And I am here to do that work! Now it is time for that part of my soul to come home, healing the deep wounds that I’m being called to tend to.
I am here to heal myself, my own heart and soul, and all my pathways of connection.
I shouted again, “It all makes sense!”
I am not here by accident! There are reasons for this!
And once again I am reminded of my experience with Grandmother World Drum and her rippling effects in my personal life, and in the lives of others. The healing, opening, learning, growth, and transformation that my heart has gone through since I have embarked on my shamanic practice, has opened pathways presented to me by my ancestors; my Soul Pathways.
Thank you all for coming together in gatherings physically, on conference calls, for one on one meetings and for all your sharing, insights and wisdom. Thank you for your questions. Thank you for helping me shine light on some old wounds which need to be illuminated. Thank you for your words that have rippled in the ocean of my heart deeply, leading to comforting silence and clarity.
While we each heal our own heart and soul, we help heal each other’s heart’s and soul’s as is the way of the circle.
In love, peace and gratitude.