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Published By Gwenith Kikkawa on August 14th, 2020 in Circle Stories From The Heart, Jobs
by Gwenith Kikkawa, Circle Member
As I prepare to complete my working role as Way of the Circle Centre’s Program and Services Coordinator this summer I recognize how I have come full circle, crossing a threshold into a new level of my Spiral Path.
At each Circle completion on the Spiral I have learned how important it is to take time to reflect on where I have been, how I got to where I am now, and what I am dreaming for my future. This allows space for harvesting the fruits of my labor, polishing off the gems of learning that will carry me forward, and integrating all I have to celebrate and be grateful for.
Connecting the core heart threads of past – present – future, I am able to continue weaving a divine path with Spirit.
I had never been asked these questions before in a job interview process. But this wasn’t just any job; it was something special, rare and different.
When I began my work with the Edge, Martha Lucier, co-founder of the Edge, offered me these questions. The answers were not so much for her as they were for me to hear and acknowledge something deep within me.
Utilizing my active dreaming skills, those I cultivated in various programs at the Edge in the seven years prior, I turned my focus inward to my heart and asked my spirit to guide me to the answers…
I am being led by my young 10-year-old self who is flying with a flock of thunderbirds. We land in a large open field where I see a very large spiral shape on the ground. The spiral shape is made up of smaller spirals within it. My young self explains that this is the Spiral of Gratitude.
My young self takes me by the hand and starts to walk with me into the spiral entering from the east door and walking clockwise. As we walk we play and laugh and feel such celebration and love of life. She starts to motion a spiral over her heart in a clockwise direction and says, “When we walk into this life our heart spirals in the clockwise direction so that we may learn what it is to receive.”
Once we reach the center of the spiral we are greeted by my elder self. She takes my hand and begins to walk me out of the spiral in the counterclockwise direction. We walk with grace and silence, with ease and careful attention, observing all around us, with a sweet grief for life. She begins to motion a spiral over her heart in a counter clockwise direction and says, “When we walk out of this life our heart spirals in this direction, so that we may learn what it is to give.”
After exiting the spiral both my young and elder selves begin to fade like a mist; their essence moving within me where I can access them at any time.
I watch the Spiral move in a dance of love and gratitude. I hear the voice of the Spiral say, “It is the Law of the Spiral to move. Always move. It does not matter if the movement is fast or slow. To walk in the gratitude of the spiral one makes a vow and commitment to move. Always move.”
I bow before the spiral and announce my vow and commitment to move, always, in the gratitude of the Spiral. This is the calling I am answering, and how I want to grow.
This personal inspiration and commitment was immense for me. It stimulated a conversation between my higher self and my limbic brain – the part of me that resisted change and defaulted to the “freeze” reaction when confronting my fears of the unknown. I knew that to ‘keep moving’ was a commitment to my growth, transformation and evolution; that no matter how challenging a circumstance might be, I vowed to lean into gratitude in order to move and find my way through it.
From 2007 – 2010 I was physically distanced from the Edge and our Circle community. My focus turned to birthing and raising my daughter, moving to a new city, and dealing with the death of my father.
These were significant years for me where I yearned so deeply to be physically gathered with our Circle community. I cried endless tears as my yearning brought me to my knees. With new life on one side of me, and death on the other, I never felt so alone and isolated.
I prayed for a miracle asking the spirit of the Circle for help. This is where the magic happened and Spirit answered.
I began to receive nighttime dreams of gathering with our Circle. A series of deep healing dreams, so lucid, that after waking my heart felt filled by the light of our reunions.
The greatest gift of this time in physical isolation was how it redirected me to go within my heart to source out what I needed. I crossed through a dreaming portal and found the Circle within, that sacred gathering space where we are always connected in spirit.
In 2010 I made my way back to the Circle to assist in a Two Year Advanced Shamanism program.
I was thrilled to be back singing and dancing with the people I called my soul-family. Those I knew from the first moment we met, I could count on for life.
I was reminded that years could go by without direct contact with each other and, still, our soul connections would continue to grow. Even though I may not be able to clearly recall the details of other circle member’s daily lives, their occupation, where they live, or what kind of music they listen to, I know them on a soul level. There is a depth of intimacy of being in Circle together, of holding space for ourselves and each other as we heal and grow into our potential.
I began to yearn for more and more of the Circle way of living, calling in a fuller experience of my entire life in ceremony. The Circle empowered me to return to my daily life so I could make the changes that I knew I needed to make.
Yet, still, even though my heart and spirit were choosing change, my mind was refusing. I was struggling to make a clear break in an abusive and codependent romantic relationship. I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders as a single parent, attempting to cope with pain, anxiety and depression by dancing with addictions. An inner voice of scarcity and suffering spoke to me each night before I went to bed and each morning when I woke up, saying the words, “I hate my life.” I was barely surviving, living paycheck to paycheck, haunted by debt; I could only file for bankruptcy. My creative passions and projects fell to the wayside. Unprocessed grief that I had attempted to sweep under the rug, now appeared before me as a gigantic mountain.
It became clear what aspects of my life needed to change, yet, my fear and resistance to make those changes grew equally.
As I attempted to resist and run away from change, the change began to seek me…like a stalking dragon.
During this time period, I received the most lucid dream I have experienced to date that I shared in Light of Truth: Flipping Dragon Skulls.
I am a dragon, flying through the air.
But I am not alone.
Another dragon is chasing me with intentions to capture me. I can feel the heat of this dragon’s fire breath on the tip of my tail. I am flying as fast as I can to get away, but my speed is not fast enough, the distance between us is disappearing.
I hear a whisper in the winds,
“Be the light.”
I see a ray of sunlight and fly towards it. In that instant I feel myself merge with the light, with the air, the water and the earth. I become the Light through the uniting of these elements.
I am in a raised frequency.
The stalking dragon cannot see me.
I am safe.
I start to think about being the light and marvel over what I have just experienced, Aha! As soon as I do, I am visible once again to the dragon, and the chase begins again.
This cycle repeats itself a handful of times. Each time that I let go and believe myself into “Living the Light,” I vanish, creating distance between the other dragon and myself.
This dream was illuminating and initiated me on my way, guiding me to Live the Light with every breath, with every thought and every step.
This dream has new meaning for me now. I realize the vigor in which this dragon was chasing me was created and fueled by my own fears and resistance to change. The fear I experienced when this dragon was stalking me was not because this dragon was going to hurt me, it was my fear of making contact with change itself. I was being stalked by the Dragon of Change.
All that my higher self had been dreaming and praying for was being answered in the universe, an energetic force that was well in motion.
I had the choice to react to the universal energies through my paralyzing trauma or, I could “Be the Light” and respond from my heart’s sacred template of surrendering, letting go and trusting.
I could no longer ignore the changes my heart and soul were calling forth; I had no choice but to surrender to the river of divine transformation.
The pain of holding on,
The pain of letting go.
Shaking in my bones,
Never felt so strong.
Miraculous and magical connections, opportunities and support showed up all around me helping me to move forward. The path before me transparent as crystal clear water.
I could feel the hands of thousands of ancestors and spiritual allies behind me affirming my direction, offering their whispering prayers through the winds of change.
In the summer of 2012, I moved with my daughter to a tiny town called South River in northern Ontario to begin anew, working with the spirit of the Edge.
The night before my first day of work, I received two nighttime dreams that spoke to me of a greater purpose in working with the spirit of the Edge and the two co-founders of the Edge, Martha and Todd Lucier.
Circle members are gathered waist high in Kawawaymog Lake, on the shore of the Edge. I am there with other members who have the roles as deep divers. I approach someone who is ready to dive deep for their first time. They are a little scared, breathing fast and shaking. I help to reassure them that all is safe and well, reminding them to breathe more and more deeply, and to help them believe in their ability to breathe underwater. When they are ready, we join hands and dive down together until we reach the bottom of the lake. On the lake floor are other circle members gathered, standing in ceremony. I see pink dolphins swimming around us. I see one come over to Martha and form a circle shape with its body for Martha to hold. One by one, circle members swim through this pink dolphin circle. It is a gateway of circle initiation.
I am at the office with team members, and I am observing Todd’s energetic work of walking over to different people to listen to their inner soundtrack. As though he is adjusting a radio dial through static, he moves and twitches his ear until he comes to a clear station where he can hear their inner songline. I am able to help by turning up the volume of the inner heart songs, and Todd is helping adjust the dials into greater clarity. We both understand that this work of fine tuning the inner songlines enhances everyone’s ability to connect.
These dreams were welcoming gifts from Spirit. They offered a deeper introduction to the spirits of Martha and Todd. I often referred back to these dreams, remembering the bigger purpose of our work and connections.
I recall how scary and yet liberating it was to be invited to utilize my gifts, my skills, my intuition, my dreaming ability, my passions and interests, and consciously apply them in my work. Rather than being asked to look up to Todd or Martha as my bosses, I was invited to sit beside them in our circle culture, and tune into my higher self – my “inner boss” – for ultimate guidance and leadership.
It was an unravelling of seeking leadership outside of myself, and an invitation to rebuild the trust with my inner leader.
Even something as seemingly simple as asking what the dress code was, and hearing Martha’s sweet and empowering reply of, “Dress in what makes you feel magical”, was a pivotal turning point for me.
If I identified a need, I was also identifying my own gift and ability to fulfill these needs declaring my commitment to be a part of co-creation for the solution. Needs were no longer disconnected aspects outside of myself; the Circle helped me to reclaim the power that I had given away in previous hierarchical structures with those who I had allowed to have power over me.
I had my fair share of mistakes alongside the successes. Through every mistake I made there was a gem of learning unveiled that could help our organization and communities grow on a larger scale. Every mistake identified a lesson to be learned, and therefore, also identifying our ability to respond with our gifts. Mistakes served a higher purpose.
So many times Martha reminded me that my microcosm experience was connected to the macrocosm of the greater whole. In her gentle ways, she invited me to loosen my grip on the personalization in any matter, and see the bigger picture through my spirit eyes.
Through my willingness to fail and gain the potential growth, I was offering myself as a vessel to heal the shame and fear of failure so thoroughly imprinted on humanity. The Circle offers a safe space where a person can learn how to grow and thrive.
Just as important was my learning of how to experience success. I was conditioned to seek validation outside of myself, and to be rewarded by others for what was deemed good behavior or what was worthy of celebrating. Success was often acknowledged with recognition of my education sanctioning my worth and that granted me my earned power.
Yet again, the shape of the Circle reminded me that there are no people in front or behind me, above or below me, only there beside me, awaiting to celebrate my successes with me.
I return countless times to the wise words of our Circle sister, Maria Kornacki, in Rewriting Old Stories: The Gift of Receiving, reminding me to reclaim the power of receiving my own gifts and successes within, before sharing these with others.
In the practice of harvesting and receiving the gifts of my own growth and successes, I fill my inner well with life force energy. There is no void within me waiting to be filled by others, or a space left vulnerable to the reactions of others. The greatest gift I can offer the world is through the act of receiving my own gifts, growth and successes into my whole being allowing my life force to then naturally overflow with love to all around me.
Through my active dreaming and spirit senses, over the years I have been seeing a sacred story of our Circle’s original soul-family agreement which is unfolding.
In these dreams I see my higher self floating over the land at the Edge, and I see all other circle members there as their higher selves as well. We are each made up of an amalgam of shapeshifting parts of our spirit names and helpers. We always seem to be moving, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, just as our commitments to the Law of the Spiral guides us.
We are gathering ancient skulls and bones of dragons, finding them buried in the earth, in the water, in the trees, or landing down from the stars. This is a great time of dragon awakening and initiation for our Circle for the dragons are the helpers of the mystical activists. They remind us that in order to successfully co-create the changes we wish to see, we must keep the dragons in our peripheral vision. Our belief in them and relationships with them are core threads to be woven into the fabric of the new earth.
When we come across these dragon skulls and bones, we clean them with our light, sometimes with sound, or with feeling, with intent, and always with love and care. As we offer this love, the bones transform into crystal dragon eggs, in beautiful colours that shine.
We gather these eggs to place on the earth and form together an infinitely expanding spiral pattern of sacred geometry. Bringing these eggs together we are piecing together a map to guide humanity through these very times we are living in now and soon to come. With every egg we place down we enter a coordinate that connects us to our heart, the heart of the earth, and the heart of the universe.
There is a particular section of the design that I have been focused on which takes a flower-like shape. I see that this section is almost complete, that I am gathering those last few eggs now.
I understand that not all the crystal eggs are meant to crack open. Some have a purpose to stay in whole crystalized form, to hold and anchor the birthing energy grid of our new earth.
I see all Circle members on the Spiral Path, each utilizing their unique gifts and abilities to unveil more crystal eggs and contribute designs within this map of the new earth. There are many Circle members located in different regions connecting the sacred Spiral energies.
I understand that part of our original agreement is with the Spiral. We will keep moving-growing-evolving. The seeds of these crystal eggs will be supporting our collective response right now by their holding and anchoring of the new earth energy and acting as catalysts, awakening all people of the heart.
It has been eight magically transformative years since I consciously answered the call of the Spiral Path and began my work with the Edge.
The Spiral has helped me cultivate a deeper love with self, others, earth and spirit.
Walking this path has helped me heal and come home to myself, reclaiming my innate power and potential. It has helped me gradually let go of addictive habits and replace them with self-care routines and rituals. The Spiral has helped me expand ways of living in ceremony with family, friends, work and communities. There is a steady sense of peace within me that grounds and calms me through change.
I can appreciate how much the Spiral Path has helped me prepare for the very times we are in. The world is commanding change and evolution. There is an urgent need to acknowledge the truth in all our relationships – with ourselves, each other, the earth and spirit. The Spiral is speaking loudly, moving with great energy, as it dismantles all that we have unconsciously attached ourselves to out of comfort, habit or fear.
Answering this calling, I have invested in something much larger than my own life. I have joined a network of Spiral Ambassadors who are of service, manifesting a more beautiful and sustainable world through the activation of our dreaming, exploring, connecting, and co-creating as we choose this alchemical path of evolution.
Committing to the Spiral I’ve learned:
The Spiral Path continues to guide me.
Although my role as program coordinator is ending, my higher self will continue to contribute to this map and grid through Circle projects and other Circle roles, and in other blossoming ways that are not yet known to me.
My relationship with change has been transformed. My work with the Spiral, the Circle and the Edge has gifted me with countless opportunities for growth, prompting me to exercise my potential, nudging me to take leaps into the great unknown and land in the hands of faith.
Eight years ago, change was a forceful and fearful experience resulting in trauma.
Now, I am able to experience evolution as a loving, joyful and celebratory choice of healing.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Dragon Drummer of the Spiral Dance…
What might it be like to take a moment to gaze through the eyes of your heart to unveil the Circle that is gathered with you now on the Spiral Path?
Maybe there are faces you recognize, while others are new…yet, still familiar. Maybe there are mystical beings there in the soft gaze of your periphery offering you a smile or a wink. Maybe there are ancestral helpers, or the descendants there, offering their steady heartbeats and gentle hands through these times of shifting sands, rising truth, and deep awakening.
Wherever we each are, may we welcome ourselves home again to the Spiraling Circle To Which We All Belong.
What might it be like to move with gratitude into your heart and soul’s calling?
What does spiraling into your potential look like, feel like, sound like, taste and smell like?
What might a next action step be, blossoming your inspiration into tangible form for yourself and the world?